Evening,
On another forum earlier I was involved in an interesting discussion. Someone was upset because they got an e-mail from another suggesting that having her husband refinance the house to cover gambling debts might not be a good thing for the compulsive gambler herself. The recipient of the e mail, is struggling right now and has only had a few days since her last bet. Somehow she initially interpreted the e-mail as saying that since this re-finance had occurred, the sender was telling her she was not "worthy" to post on this internet support board.
Of course this touched off a wave of support from all the other people on the board, with post saying things like "it doesn't matter how much money you lost", "tell that person to get lost", and it isn't about money". All true. But somehow when I read it, I saw underneath the initial anger and hurt and realized the e-mail sender was probably just trying to warn about the pitfalls of "bailouts" or enabling the problem gambler. Part of my response there is posted below.
Given all of the years of the fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous, and the thousands of people that have gone before me, both successful and unsuccessful, they have learned FROM EXPERIENCE, that "lending of money (bailouts) is detrimental to our recovery and should not take place."
In my experience certainly, and many others I have spent time with since placing my last bet, very shortly after people "helped me" by loaning me money, or paying some bills, or letting me stay with them or whatever (each time the thing they helped with seemed more degrading to me), I was able to put the pain behind me and was off to gamble again. Only when I had no other options did I get help.
I am convinced that if someone would have bailed me out the last time I hit a bottom I would still be gambling today. One of the reasons my confidence goes up each day that I will not place a bet is because I am still dealing with the ramifications of my gambling every day. Since I am reminded every day, I am less likely to want to repeat it.
It turns out I was correct. The recipient posted later that the e-mail was not rude in nature, she had misinterpreted it, and was just angry in general at the moment and blew up. Those are the "hazards" of the internet support groups I have spoken about here in the past, but I will table that discussion for tonight. This topic of bailouts is very important in and of itself.
Each situation is different and I have never claimed to have all the answers for myself, much less someone else. I also realize that sometimes when a compulsive gambler causes financial damage, they directly or indirectly affect others in the family's stability. For example, if the compulsive gambler allows the bills to become too much to cover per month on the salaries generated, the husband's credit may also be damaged which may in turn impact children etc. Sometimes the best thing may be to assist with the debt to protect others.
But, if the people around the gambler do something like this, based on my experience, it might also want to be accompanied with some restrictions to ensure that once the pain of the current episode wears off (usually much faster than you might expect!), there is not an opportunity presented to make it worse. I have heard story after story of people re-financing houses three times, cleaning out retirement accounts, savings accounts and more because they believe the problem gambler when he/she says "this is the last time".
I am not at all sure how I would react if someone came to me, even now after 914 days and said "you are doing well now John, here is xx.xx dollars to make things better. You don't even have to pay me back" I am not sure it would be a good thing for me in the long run.
I don't want to forget. In a way I like writing those checks every month. But I hope I don't have to do it forever. I shouldn't have to as long as I don't place another bet.
John
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