Day 903 - The Essay

Evening,

The weekend is coming to a close for me. Finishing up some laundry and chores and getting ready to watch that "Intervention" show on A&E at 10 PM. As you might recall it focuses on another compulsive gambler this week and I am curious to see if the producers will do any better on this attempt than the prior two the have portrayed.

Recovery wise it has been an interesting weekend. I got a hotline call yesterday. It doesnt matter how many of them I get (we get on average 10 calls a day here in San Diego), when the person is crying and hurting on the other end it takes me back to that first day for me. Fortunately this woman got to a meeting right away and at least has an opportunity to get on the right track.

I also got a phone call today from the guy I have been sharing about of late. The member who has been struggling with his powerlessness. He wanted my opinion as to how he should handle his family today. He was supposed to contribute to the family gift for Mother's Day and he actually had the cash, but it was going to make things tight later in the week. He was not anxious to listen to the family reaction when told he was gambling again so he thought he would just give them the money and deal with the problem later. I tried to suggest that maybe then he really DIDN'T have the cash. My concern is of course that later in the week he convinces himself that he NEEDS that $50.00 and then figures gambling is a good way to get it. I am not sure he will follow my suggestion or not. Nothing I can do about that.

It is interesting though that his situation appears now, as I have been thinking a lot about the ability to change one's attitude and direction. It is a difficult thing to do! As is often the case, media around me points to the same focus. I am not sure why that happens, maybe it is a higher power thing. But, I was watching the movie "Pay It Forward" today after my depressing baseball game. I'm sure you have all seen it by now, but I am always struck with the imagery it brings to me and my addiction, and how long it took for me to get the help I needed. It also reminds me of a corny TV show that had a good moment of writing and came up with this little essay that really kind of sums it up for me:

THE ESSAY

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.

But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

Have a good night everyone. Looks like I have a couple of news items to post tonight and that will probably be it.

John