Good afternoon,
I got busy last night and didn't get a chance to post anything more than the news. Sorry 'bout that, but I can only do what I can do.
Actually not a lot to post news wise so far today so I ll just chat for a few minutes about where I am in life today.
Initially after I placed my last bet, admitted I was in fact a compulsive gambler and entered Gamblers Anonymous every day bought so many highs and lows it was difficult to figure out how I felt at times. The problems I faced then were immediate and the solutions were completely unknown to me at that time. What I mean is I had finally decided that I would wake up each day and do my best not to ADD to the problems by gambling; but the practical side of things, like where I would sleep and eat, how I would get money, what was going to happen with my primary relationship (at this point I was even thinking about other relationships with brothers, mother, friends etc...) were overwhelming. I had no idea how I was going to solve them. But, somehow each day things did start to get fixed. But there were days that I would think I had a major hurdle crossed only to get slammed back down. On other days I would resign myself that I wasn't going to make any progress and out fo the blue a solution would present itself. It made for quite an interesting period of my life looking back on it now, but at the time all I wished for was some stability!
As time passed the swings started to get less either direction. Today I still face problems. Frankly I am still dealing with many of the problems I created those years ago. Nobody in GA ever promised me things would be perfect, only that they would get BETTER if I stopped gambling. That much has definitely proved true for me. Also today, good things still happen, but they are not SO important to my daily survival as things were back then. When I get a nice deal closed at work (I am an electronic component salesman) I like it, and it allows me to make a little more progress than I planned which is nice, but it doesn't have the same impact in my life as say, getting the job in the first place did. Moving into my nice house a few months ago was a step up and into a nicer area than I had been, but the move from the homeless shelter into ANYTHING was much more dramatic in my life. Am I making sense?
I kind of equate this to my weight loss of the last year. When I first started working on my weight reduction I was able to lose 7-10 pounds per month without much trouble. These days I lose about 4-5 per month. I mean I am very pleased with the overall loss of almost 70 pounds in the year, and am resigned to the fact that this is just the way your body works, it gets harder to lose weight at the same percentage rate as you get leaner. It takes more work!
Which is kind of where I am in my recovery right now. I am very pleased with my progress, but each day doesn't bring those highly visible changes I once saw. I know this is the type of life I could have only dreamed about 904 days ago, but I am feeling strange about it none-the-less. When I get at these points I must be even more aware that part of my problem gambling addiction likes to hit me during these periods of uncertainty and slight boredom. I will participate in the fellowship and lean on those around me for help a little bit more for awhile.
I know the feeling will pass...I will get so busy at work or even get a new job that my life will change dramatically...I will meet someone new and will be occupied with the feelings of new love....I will be dealt a setback personally or otherwise that will make me sad....I don't know exactly what, but something will happen. It always does.
Until that time I remember two things. "Progress Not Perfection" and "I Am Right Where I Am Supposed To Be".
John
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